The Story of Chris and the Porno DVDs

Here's one for fun.  Michelle and I have an ongoing plan for a project called "The Baby Vegas Diaries," which will detail some of the more entertaining happenings at our home in Carrboro.  I regret that I already showed this story to Chris.  It would have been much more hilarious if he read it for the first time on this blog.  Enjoy.

The Story of Chris and the Porno DVDs

Occurred:  July, 2013 and August, 2013

Written:  August, 2013

 

In the process of going through and purging as much shit as possible, I came across a box I had called the “Re-gift Box.”  When Lizzie and I lived together, every year at Christmas various members of my family would give Lizzie bath accessories: fragrant shampoos and body washes, body lotions, bubble bath, scented candles…  you get the idea.  Actually, more importantly, LAVENDER scented shampoos, body washes, body lotions, bubble bath and scented candles.  Lizzie is allergic to lavender.  Rather than tell my relatives about her aversion to lavender, they went in the “Re-gift Box” so that they could be gifted to co-workers or distant friends or whomever.  Also in this box were two pornographic DVD’s, still in their cellophane wrappers.  I can’t recall the names off the top of my head, but they were obviously vintage, low budget, terrible…  like off the ninety-nine cent rack at a Latino flea market.  I’m not completely clear on where the DVD’s came from, although I think it had been a gag gift from a Christmas party 2 or 3 years before.  It should be obvious why it was in a box full of scented bath commodities. 

I brought the lavender accessories to the girls who were relaxing downstairs, loudly announcing “I have GIFTS for you all!”  Chris, unfortunately, wasn’t home to share in the reverie of scented bath stuffs.  I hadn’t really decided what to do with the DVD’s yet.  I mean, they were a ‘grade A’ gag gift, but I was trying to purge as much of my junk as possible.  Then I had an idea.  I would re-gift them after all.  With maniacal energy, I rushed to Chris’s room and placed them on the keyboard shelf affixed to the bottom of his desk.  The shelf was covered in dust and obviously hadn’t moved or been used for anything in months.  It could be weeks, or even months before he discovered the DVD’s!  I swore Michelle and Andrea to secrecy: if the DVD’s were discovered, deny all prior knowledge of their existence.

About a month later, I received the following text from Chris:  “Did you leave porn in my room?”

My response:  “Porn?  What kind of porn?”

Chris: “There are two DVDs on my keyboard thing under my desk.  Haha.  I’m very confused as to how it got there.”

Me:  “Unless it is girl on girl on guy on goat on Smurf, not mine.”

And that was the last that was ever spoken about the DVDs…  until now.  :)